Baby Thomas

Please be in prayer for my friend, Holly & her whole family. She gave birth to Baby Thomas yesterday and from what I have seen on Facebook, he is still hanging on. (For those who didn't see my earlier post about Holly & Baby Thomas...he has anecephaly which means that his brain did not develop correctly and he will died shortly after birth. He may live days, weeks, or months...) I know that Holly is physically and emotionally exhausted and could defiantly use your prayers. Please join me in prayer that she & her husband, Aaron, will be able to enjoy every single moment with their son. Also remember Baby Thomas' big brother and sister as well as the rest of their awesome family.

AMAZING

Today I met a little girl who reminded me so very much of my Katie. She looked nothing like her other than being so small for her age BUT boy she sounded like her. Her laugh is what took me in first. It was that same high pitched totally happy full body giggle. I hadn't even realized that I had forgotten it till I heard this beautiful angel. Her mannerisms and her stubbornness was like that of Katie. She was a very smart little girl despite her other problems. And she said many of the same things that Katie would have said and in the way Katie would have said them. What I found utterly AMAZING was that hearing this little angel and seeing my beautiful "first born baby" in her made me SMILE!!! I wasn't sad or upset BUT instead I was happy and so thankful that not only did I get to meet this little girl but I also got to hold her and hug her. Please pray for this little angel and her family as she does have physical limitations...it does not matter her name or condition...God knows them both and he has something wonderful in store for her!

Thank you Lord for release from my guilt and sadness over my precious baby and thank you Lord for releasing her from pain.

Time..

First I would like to apologize for not writing the past 2 months...my computer at home is broken and I have not had a moment to sit down at a computer and write...

For a while I have wanted to write a blog about being a mother with a heart in two places (one with Katie and one with Laura Beth)...but putting that into words is just too hard. I can say that God has done a miracle in my life. This past weekend I went on a church retreat called "Tres Dias". It was an amazing 3 days of laughter, tears, and hugs! At first I was very MAD to be there...I couldn't understand what was wrong until someone said, "well you must be mad because the Holy Spirit is trying to do something in your life and you are fighting it." I was fighting it....I was being stubborn and not giving up my pain....but God in his wonderful way got through to me...he broke through those walls and blew the lid right off the box that I had put Him in! I was able to let go of the guilt that has plagued me since Katie's death. Although there was absolutely no way I could have prevent her death I have felt guilty...I SHOULD have been able to do something...if I just hadn't scared her by picking her up that day then she would have lived longer or if I had chosen a different option instead of trying for the MIBG radiation then she would have lived...all of those things that really wouldn't have changed anything. God had her days numbered before she was born. She had accomplished her reason for being on earth and it was time for her to go HOME. But as a mother it was hard to let go of the guilt but praise be to God that I was able to.

I pray that as Easter is approaching that every one will take time to have fun with their children hunting eggs and that you will take time to thank our Risen Savior for everything he has done in your life and the sacrifice that He made to GIVE you life.

I have heard the following song several times over the last couple of weeks and it has really rang true for me...thought I would share.

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Bring The Rain
Artist: Mercy Me
Album: Coming Up To Breathe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Snow DAY

This week has been a hard for me for a variety of reasons...but it ended on a good note! Today we got some snow! Laura Beth and I stayed home all day together (William had to work last night and tonight so he was sleeping during the day!) Laura Beth & I had a great time together! We baked some cookies and made homemade chicken & dumplings together! It was fun. And then after a nap we spent some time out in the snow! All in all it was a great day...

Hoping tomorrow will be okay. Feb 5 marks 6 months since Katie went to heaven. It has been a hard 6 months and I miss her each and every day. They say that time heals all wounds but I think that they are mistaken. Time makes it somewhat easier because you get use to living without her but it isn't something that you want to get use to. Little things remind me of her...things we use to do or things that she loved...And though I hope that some day these reminders will make me smile, right now they make me sad because I miss her. Laura Beth has been talking a lot about Katie lately. She says things like "I hug Katie" or "Katie gave me Jessy" (Jessy is Katie's favorite doll that went everywhere with her). It makes me sad and happy. I am sad for what Laura Beth has lost and I am happy because Katie would want Laura Beth to remember her. Thank you for continuing to follow us on this journey...and for praying for us because we still need those prayers very much.

Here are some pictures from the day!

Country Girl!

Snow Angel
Snow Smiles!

Our Little Snowman!

Remembering

This week has been a difficult one for me. On Monday, Laura Beth and I were coming home from dance class and she was singing. I asked her to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" (she had just learned it at dance class). She began singing it and then stopped and asked, "Where's Katie?" I told her that Katie was in Heaven with Jesus and her response was..."I'll fly to Katie!" My heart was broke. (One of Katie's favorite songs was "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".)

Then last night, I was rocking Laura Beth to sleep. She had been having a rough night and had had a few melt downs. Out of the blue she said, "I like Katie" I told her that I knew she did and that Katie loved her. Then she said, "I hug Katie". Of course I began crying...it confused her and she asked "You okay?" I reassured her...we rocked some more and then she went to bed.

I am sad at what my sweet monkey has lost...she lost a sister, a friend, a confidant, someone to fight with, and someone to learn from. She lost a great big sister who loved her and wanted to protect her. We all long for the day that once again our family will all be together in Heaven with our Lord and Savior.

Happiness, Sadness, and a need for Prayer

Happiness
Colby continues to be cancer free! Colby is a little boy who lives in College Station. He had neuroblastoma but has been in remission for a while. His latest scans show that he continues to be free of this terrible disease. Praise GOD!!!

Sadness
Alexis Agin passed away this past Friday. She is finally free from being stuck in a body where she can not move or talk BUT her family is aching from the loss of their beautiful little girl. They are Jewish and many times her dad has expressed on their blog that he no longer believes in a higher power. I ask that you pray for him to find peace and find Jesus in all of this sadness. Their blog is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teamalexis

A need for Prayer
Please pray for a friend of mine, Holly Bush and her family. Holly is pregnant with her second son. She and her husband recently found out that their son has anencephaly. This means that his brain has stopped developing and his skull is not forming as it should. This also means that their son will not live for very long once he is outside of the womb. Please pray for Holly and her family as they go through this very difficult valley.
You can follow them at her blog http://thelittlejourneyofbabythomas.blogspot.com/

Another update...Kodi Tutt is in San Francisco receiving her MIBG treatment. She is 6 (if I remember right!) and has neuroblastoma. From what I have read, she is doing well. Please pray that she can continue to handle the emotional impact of being separated from her family during treatment and that the treatment will completely abolish the cancer inside her! http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/koditutt

As for us...well each day brings new reminders of Katie. It is a variety of small things and quite often they catch us off guard. For example, tonight I took Laura Beth to the potty and was telling her to push to make sure she got all the te-te out...and I was reminded of when I had to do the same thing with Katie...it made me so sad... But life goes on....right? =)

Happy New Year

2010 ended with a bang...When we turned into our driveway on Friday we hit Dash with the car. I immediately got out of the car to make sure that the car wasn't on top of him and when I reached down he bit my hand. (I am fine other than a hurt pinkey) Then he ran away. We couldn't get to him that night. The next day we couldn't find him until after lunch time. We took him into the vet on New Year's day. The vet said nothing was broken and that most of his organs looked okay. His lungs had a lot of fluid and blood in them. He gave us 4 prescriptions and told us to keep him in his kennel for a week or so. So far he has been making it okay...not great but he isn't out of the woods yet. Please pray for Dash. Dachshunds are so fragile as it is and when you add getting hit by a car it isn't good....

Katie's Party

(I tried to upload several pictures but my goofy internet only let me put this one on here...these are Katie's 5 balloons floating up to the clouds.)

First I would like to say thank you to everyone who sent us sweet messages and especially those of you who were praying for us. Today William, Laura Beth, & I celebrated Katie's birthday as best we could. Laura Beth & I baked a strawberry cake with real strawberries and chocolate icing just like Katie loved! Mind you, she didn't really like to eat it BUT she loved making it. So did Laura Beth...of course she enjoyed helping me make a cake mainly because she got to eat some strawberries! After we finished the cake, we took the cake & some balloons out to Katie's grave. A big thank you to the Shannon & Payne families who sent us some beautiful balloons! We put the large butterfly on her grave with some that my sister had put there. We sent 5 off to Katie & kept the big watering can balloon for Laura Beth. Laura Beth was so precious. She said that it was "Katie's party". She waved and blew a kiss while watching the balloons float up to the clouds. She talked about Katie's balloons and Katie's' party all the way while we driving to go to eat. She said several times "I wanna see Katie". It was so hard to explain to my precious 2 year old that she can't see Katie now...but we did look at some pictures of Katie. All in all it was an okay day...Not one that I would have chosen if I had been given a choice. No, I would have chose to have a "Little Mermaid" party with my 5 year old. I say "Little Mermaid" because Katie had decided months AGO that she wanted a "Little Mermaid" party. She was forever a planner!

We Love you Katie!

Happy 5th Birthday Katie!!!

Five years ago today a miracle happened...my beautiful, amazing 'first born baby' came into the world. Four months & 22 days ago I had to let my first born baby go to be with Him who gave her to me. That God would allow me to know and love my precious Katie is a wonderful gift that I treasure. That He would ask me to give her back was the hardest and most gut wrenching thing that could ever be asked of me. I love my precious cuddle-bug more than words could ever say. I remember finding out I was pregnant with her, hearing her heartbeat, feeling her move, and seeing her for the first time. I remember the day of her birth...It was my first day back to work after Christmas. I hadn't felt Katie move all day so I drank a coke to get her moving (I had gestational diabetes so I didn't normally have a regular coke). However, she still didn't move. I was concerned and after I shared my concern with my co-workers, the convinced me to call my doctor. He told me to come get checked out. I remember crying all the way to the doctor's office, while driving at least 80, and begging God to not take my daughter. After getting checked out, I was told that Katie was fine but I was not. I was developing pre-eclamsia. Therefore, Katie had to be delivered 3 weeks before her due date. Since she was breech a C-section was scheduled. I remember the exact spot that it dawned on me that I was going to be a mom! The next thing that I really remember is holding Katie and rubbing her back. It was amazing. The last 5 years have had their ups and downs BUT I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. Katie was the best daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, and student you could ask for. She enjoyed pleasing others and tried her best to do so....but she also had her own opinion. You always knew where you stood with her. She told it like it was but she did so with please & thank you. She thought of others and was a cuddler. That I miss terribly...I miss holding her, kissing her sweet head, and feeling her hug and kiss me back. I miss her voice...and most of all I miss HER. However, I have a choice. Do I get stuck in my grief or do I share my story? Do I continue to trust God or do I say no Higher being could possibly orchestrate the pain of my daughter? Do I choose to believe that God has a plan for all of us, including Katie, or do I say that it is just something that has happened to us? We all have choices....and though I am not proud of all of mine, I am proud of my daughter and her strength and courage. I am proud to be her mother...and I choose to believe that God has a plan and that He is holding my cuddle-bug in His arms...cuddling her until I get the chance to do it again myself.

Happy Birthday Day my 5 year old! I pray that you are having a wonderful "Little Mermaid" birthday party in Heaven. I love you my precious girl!
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The following is a devotional from the message of Adrian Rogers:

Free to Choose
“What man is he that fears the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that He shall choose.” Psalm 25:12

"You are free to choose. You are not free, however, not to choose. Then, after you make a choice, your choice chooses for you. There are consequences for your choices – always. If you choose to step off the roof of a ten-story building, you are not, then, free to choose the consequences of your choice. Your choice has chosen for you. What if you make a bad choice? What is God’s reaction? First, He is in control. Your choices will not take Him by surprise. Thanks be to God, He can prevail over our bad choices to restore us into fellowship with Himself!"

Please, in honor of Katie, be BOLD in your faith and share it with others.

Urgent Prayer Request

Please pray for a friend of our family, Becky Elbel. She has had cancer and has been undergoing treatment for some time but has been doing well. Recently she got pneumonia and is having great difficulty getting over it. There are also some complications with treatment. She is a wonderful woman and truly an example of someone who is trusting the Lord.

I would also like to ask for prayers for Kodi Tutt. Her parents both went to the same college as I did. She is a beautiful 6 year old girl with neuroblastoma. She has been undergoing treatment for ~9 months and has not yet made it to the bone marrow transplant phase of treatment. Their road is so much like what ours was...her parents are having to make so many decisions and they need God's guidance. (her blog is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/koditutt )

Thank you so much for your prayers...they are truly very important. God hears each and every one of them.

4 months...

Today makes 4 months since Katie left us for her eternal home...Please pray for us as this month is proving to be an extremely hard month...Not only is it the first Christmas we will spend without her here to enjoy it but it will also be the first birthday that we will miss seeing her blow out the candles. As we shop for presents I am constantly reminded of what I would have bought her or that I should be planning her "Little Mermaid" birthday party. I truly wish we could just skip December this year!

***We miss you cuddle-bug! And think about you constantly...

Layla Grace Marsh

Please say a prayer for the Marsh family this friday. November 26th would have been Layla's 3rd birthday. Wear something bright and colorful on Friday in rememberance of this beautiful little angel.

"SEE"

Words & Music by Steven Curtis Chapman

Right now all I can taste are bitter tears

And right now all I can SEE are clouds of sorrow

From the other side of all this pain

Is that you I hear?

Laughing loud and calling out to me?

Saying SEE, it's everything you said that it would be

And even better than you would believe

And I'm counting down the days until you're here with me

And finally you'll SEE

Thanksgiving...

As Thanksgiving nears, I realize that we have a lot to be thankful for...We are thankful for the wonderful friends and family that have supported us through our journey in words, actions, and prayers. You have prayed for us when we were unable to do it for ourselves. We are thankful for a God that hears your prayers and ours...a God who loves us and has all of our best interests at heart...a God that knows the pain and joy that a child can bring because He has a SON. We are thankful that our beautiful Katie is no longer in pain; she no longer cries; she no longer has any fears; she is at peace with Our Lord and Savior. We are thankful that God has left us with Laura Beth. She is our reason for getting up in the morning and is a constant joy (well not always but what 2 year old isn't a pain in the rear end sometimes! LOL) We are thankful for our faith and the HOPE we can have in the ONE who takes care of us.

As you prepare to share Thanksgiving with your family, please remember to take some time out of the hustle and bustle of fixing a meal and all, to have FUN with your family. Make some great memories...remember that in ten years no one will care about how good the food was or how clean the house was BUT they will remember the fun and your children will remember how momma let them help cook!

Also please join me in prayer for Alexis' family. Their blog is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teamalexis. They are going through the painful journey of letting their precious daughter go...many times her father has expressed through the blog that he is unsure of God and you can tell his faith is not as solid as he would like. Please pray that he sees "the breadcrumbs" of grace that God is leaving him.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Heaven...

I have been reading the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is a wonderful book that gives us a glimpse into her journey and how she has dealt with the death of her youngest daughter, Maria. I have included the song by her husband that talks about what Heaven is for him now that Maria is with Jesus. It made me relieved because to me Heaven is the face of Katie...and I felt guilty for this...we are suppose to long for Heaven in order to be with God but the only thing I want right now is to see is her...Reading this book and listening to the CD that came with it made me realize that God knows what I long for and He understands it. He longed for His Son while Jesus was here on Earth and He knows the suffering of a parent who has lost a child. He loves me and He will continue to walk with me through this valley of the shadow of death. Thank you for your continued prayers.
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"Heaven Is The Face"
Words & Music by Steven Curtis Chapman

Heaven is the face of a little girl
With dark brown eyes
That disappear when she smiles
Heaven is the place
Where she calls my name
Says, "Daddy, please come play with me for a while"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, You know, I just can't SEE beyond the door

So right now
Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms
Being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, You know, I just can't SEE beyond the door

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone
Heaven is the place where she takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I SEE

Heaven is the face of my little girl

Prayer

This past week I was told that a co-worker has breast cancer. I don't know all the details but I know that she needs our prayers. She has two children, one of which is pretty young (older than Laura Beth but younger that Katie would be). Please pray...even though you don't know her name or who she is, God DOES. I know that as she begins chemo next week that she will face many trials...both emotional and physical. Treatment for children and adults with cancer are very different but the affects are basically the same. Fear, anxiety, confusion, and so much more will fill her head. Not to mention the nausea, fatigue, and pain that chemo brings. Please pray for her to feel the love of God and to see the 'breadcrumbs of GRACE' that he leaves her along the way. (I got that phrase from a book I am reading by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an awesome book especially for anyone who has lost a child.)

Thank you for continuing to keep up with us. I am sorry that I do not post on here as often as I use to...but life is much busier here in the real world than it is in the hospital world. Just think, this time last year we were planning to go into the Bone Marrow Transplant phase of our life....wow what changes can happen in a year.

Dance with a touch of sadness

Today, just like every other Monday, I took Laura Beth to dance class. And today, just like every other Monday, I tried not to cry all the way home. I take Laura Beth to dance class because she loves it (just like her sister). I take her because I love to see how her little personality comes out...she never is standing in line with the others or facing the right direction! And I cry because everywhere I turn in the dance studio, I am reminded of my Katie. I see her picture...the one that was taken just days after she was diagnosed with cancer. I see pictures of Katie's dance classmates...pictures that she wasn't in because she was too sick to be in the dance recitals. I see her best friend, Kate (her mom is the dance teacher)...every once in a while Kate will talk about Katelyn...and I just hope that I give her the answers that her little mind needs. I watch Laura Beth doing the same gymnastics and dance routines that I loved watching Katie do to. And when dance class is over I see all of Katie's friends coming in because the class that she should have been in this year is right after Laura Beth's. Some days it is just too much to bear....but I continue on because Katie would have wanted her sister to get to enjoy the same things that she did...Katie would be so proud of Laura Beth for being able to do the forward roll and knowing the "Five Little Monkey's" dance...she would have wanted to dance right along with Laura Beth and show her all of the dance moves...I can just see them wagging their fingers at each other telling one another what to do....

So onto tomorrow....THANK GOD IT IS NOT MONDAY! =)

Halloween 2010

Today William, Laura Beth and I along with both of our families went out to the Fall Festival at Elwood Baptist Church (where William's dad is the pastor). There was a bounce, face painting, pinata, and all sorts of other games. Laura Beth dressed as a butterfly fairy! She loved wearing her 'tutu' and wings. Whenever she put her wings on she would ask to FLY! It was so much fun. She wasn't sure about the 'trunk-or-treat' but did bring in a nice haul anyway. Her favorite part was getting to jump and go down the huge slide in the bounce. She even stood still to get her face painted (a butterfly of course!) All in all it was a great day.

**Of course we missed our Katie who would have dressed as Cinderella today. She picked out what she was going to be about 6 months ago! Forever a planner. Today, I missed my blue eyed angel just like I do every day. She may be gone from this earth but she is never far from our thoughts! Hopefully someday we will all smile and laugh when we remember her instead of cry in our sadness and grief over losing her...Thank you for your continued prayers for us.**

Here we go again....

Just a quick note...
Please pray for comfort for the Hahn family. Keith's mother passed away on Thursday (October 7th). She had had a difficult battle with an illness that had put her in a nursing home. Please keep Amy (William's sister), Keith, his dad (Melvin), his brother (Doug) and the kids in your prayers. I, for one, am tired of having a funeral once a month! Thank you so much for your prayers. They are very much appreciated.

2 months...

Katie,


Today makes two months since you went to be with Jesus. I know you are having a wonderful time playing with the other children there, flying with butterflies, and talking everyone's ear off. I take comfort that you are no longer in pain, have no sadness and are running around like every 4 year old should be able to. Every moment of every day I think of you and I miss you. It seems like I think more about you now than I did when you were with me on earth. Everywhere I turn there is something to remind me of you. A show you would have watched, a song you knew the words to, a picture of you, a book we have read together, and many more things. I try my best, but just about every time I am drug back to my grief. It is overwhelming. Anytime I am driving or laying in bed my mind begins to wonder I think about you. I cry for what I have lost, what we have all lost in losing you. I try not to but it is hard...I can almost hear you tell me to calm down...I miss your sweet voice, your smile, your brilliant blue eyes, your kind words, your laugh and most of all your hugs & kisses. Your sister sounds so much like you that sometimes I hear her and think it is you for a brief second...then I remember...You would be so proud of Laura Beth. She started going to dance class last month. She loves it as much as you did. She is also talking a lot more...she has taken up your job of telling the dogs to be quiet! I try to give her a hug every day for you just like you asked. She misses you so much. She loves to sit and watch all 'your' shows and read all of 'your' books. We all miss you. I pray that someday I can smile as I recall all that you did or said...instead of crying for what I will never see you do. I love you cuddle bug.

Love,

Momma