The following blog post was written by Jonathan Agin on September 11, 2011. Jonathan's daughter Alexis died as a result of cancer as well. I have asked you to pray for him several times since I began reading his blog....as he has expressed several times that he does not believe in a "higher power". I am posting his blog post because it puts into words what I feel but have not been able to say....
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written by Jonathan Agin

I want off......

September came around & the childhood cancer community sprung into action painting everything gold, the color of childhood cancer. You see, if you don't already know, September rings in Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. It marks a short amount of time before the world turns pink for breast cancer awareness month. I actually was not looking forward to this month. There is such a push to recognize this one month versus all others. And, although there is importance to this push, there are 11 other months where every single day 46 children are diagnosed with cancer. And then I wanted out. For 41 months childhood cancer has been another member of our family. It has resided here, taken a seat at our table, shared our bed, eaten our food and sat with us each night as we have tried to unwind. It was never invited into this house, much less invited to inhabit my beautiful daughter's body, but yet, it has resided with us. I sometimes get to a point where I have had enough. I have read enough facebook posts, seen enough journal updates, read enough about children dying that I don't want to hear it anymore. I get to a point where I don't want to hear it anymore. There is too much pain experienced by so many families that it is almost too dificult to continue. Something keeps me from doing so though. Be it Alexis, be it committment, it's like an accident on a freeway, I can't turn away from it. I wish sometimes I could. There is no right or wrong way to proceed after losing a child from cancer. Some choose to reinvest themselves even deeper into the fight. Some cannot continue and want nothing more to do with this beast. I don't blame either frankly. It is not a world understood from the outside; rather, to even begin to understand the actions of a parent following the loss of a child from cancer one must experience the steps we take. With that in mind, I hope that it is not an experience anyone else ever has to have.

Each day, hour by hour, minute by minute, Alexis is missed. That's an understatement of course. It sucks. Never in my life could I have imagined dealing with this type of loss. We've been through a lot in this life. I've had enough loss and drama in the last 9 years to fill several novels. I'm reminded on this day that 10 years ago Neely and I fled DC on foot and walked 7 miles to our house with smoke billowing from the Pentagon about a mile away from our house. And yet, I focus on Alexis. That doesn't mean that the loss that was sustained 10 years ago on 9/11 isn't on my mind, it certainly is. It is a wierd dichotomy. From personal loss to the loss that we as a nation sustained. We will never close our eyes and wake to the same world that we inhabitted 10 years ago. And, I will never close my eyes at the end of the day and wake to the same world I inhabitted prior to April 2008. Acts and occurrences can completely alter the manner in which our realities have been shaped as human beings. Maybe that is the point of existence to continue to experience. I simply wish that there wasn't so much pain.

Tomorrow Gabe starts school for the year. Last Monday, Alexis should have begun kindergarten. Through the course of last week we watched as picture after picture of kids going to school inhabitted our house in many differing medium. It was a constant reminder of the fact that Alexis never moved on. Of course we are happy for those who we know who's children move on. As days continue to pass to months, the sense of stagnation and loss will remain. Alexis is a part of everything we do. Always.

This morning, I competed in the Nation's Triathlon. It was held right in DC. It was held on 9/11/11. Ten years later. There were concerns about safety and concerns about security. But it was important for me to be there. Important for several reasons. First, to mark this occasion. Second, and just as importantly to me, because my daughter never gave up. She fought, and she never asked why. She never once stopped. And that, for me is the reason I contiune. That for me is more inspiration than I will ever need. And so, by me putting one foot in front of the other, pushing my pedals, I bring in Alexis' essence. Stronger than I could ever be, she is and always will remain to me the true definition of hero.

One day melds into the other, and each one takes us further away, yet brings us closer to Alexis. Soon baby, soon.

Love,

Jon, Neely, Alexis and Gabe